Sticks and Stones

Actions Speak Louder Than Words: Is that Enough?

No. It isn’t. Let me elaborate. 

I was trying to think of how many times I have had student’s tears and snot all over my shoulder.  I don’t know the exact number, but it’s a lot.  There have been tears of joy, tears of pain, and tears of hurts.   What I want to talk about today is the tears caused by words. 

Here’s the thing: I have had tons of students leave snot all over my shoulder because they don’t feel loved, valued, or appreciated by their parents.  In many cases, I have known the parents, and I know that what is being felt is so far from reality that it is ridiculous.  However, it is still felt, and that’s what we are talking about today.   If I had to try to identify the problem, it would be rooted in our words. 

Sarcastic Parents: I am particularly talking to you.  I get it.  I was once a fan myself.  However, over the years I have seen the pain that this type of humor can cause, especially in the parent/child relationship. 

I am sure you've heard, and perhaps even taught your kids the old saying, 'sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me.'  This is a completely misleading statement.  It isn't a secret that words hurt, and parents: YOUR WORDS CARRY MORE WEIGHT THAN YOU REALIZE.  If you have a daughter that worries about her weight (and if you have a daughter at all, she probably does) NEVER joke with her about it.  Even is she is ‘thin’ by the worlds standards, a misplaced remark can have a HUGE impact on her.  I have prayed with dozens of girls over the years that they would see themselves the way the Father does.  And, as much as I hate to say it, many of their struggles have come from the fathers they have here.  You might think your daughter is the most beautiful person on the planet (and I hope you do), and so a joke about her looks or weight would never hurt her because it is so crazy.  It does.  I promise. 

Even if as you read this you are thinking the relationship you have with your child is the exception, let me ask you this: is it worth the risk?  They won’t tell you it hurts.  Why? I think it’s often because they know you ‘don’t mean it’ and don’t want you to feel bad.  However,  ‘not meaning it’ isn’t enough.  Don’t say it.  

So much of students’ perceptions about themselves come from you.  If you encourage them, tell them they are beautiful or handsome, and point out the things they do really well, it will be SO MUCH EASIER for them to believe it about themselves.  If you discourage or joke about their looks or weaknesses, it will leave a mark.  Even if they know you are joking, it will leave a mark. 

Let me give you another real life example. I once had a student who was not the biggest or ‘manliest’ guy in our group.  His friends would joke around with him about it and he would play to it.  He laughed and acted like it was no big deal.  Then, one night during our time of ministry, I saw him crying.  I went to him and asked what was going on.  He proceeded to tell me that he was really hurt by all the comments about his strength, but it wasn’t even his friends words that hurt most, it was the words from his dad that cut the deepest.   I can't blame his dad.  They way his son joked about it himself, I too would have thought it was no big deal.  I know his dad loved him, and I also believe his dad had good intentions of ‘playing’ with his son.  But those words, even when said jokingly, sunk in without his father even realizing it.  I saw his dad act lovingly to his son all the time, but his words were causing damage to his son’s self image and confidence that he was totally unaware of. 

So, back to the beginning.  While actions might speak louder than words, actions alone are not enough.  The best-case scenario is to always (to the best of our flawed ability) act AND speak encouragement, love, and life to your children.  

The bottom line is this: The words you use with your kids carry far more weight than you probably realize, so please please choose them wisely. 

My shirts can’t handle much more snot. 

As always I would love to hear your thoughts! Leave a comment!

Your Kids Want to Spend Time with You

For whatever reason, as children become teenagers, they often begin to pull away from parents. This can make spending time with them difficult, and in the process many parents give up (often with good intentions like giving them ‘space’ or letting them become more ‘independent.’) However, in spite of every action, attitude, and word that says otherwise, they desperately want to spend time with you. How do I know? Because they tell me. Consistently. And when I tell them to talk to you (their parents) about it, they look at me like I have 13 heads and a big red nose. I don’t know why, but they do. 

There’s good news. The answer is simple. Spend time with them. Go on a ‘date’ with your kids. If you find that they are still groaning at the idea of family time may I make another suggestion? Let them pick what you do. Don’t always force them into ‘family fun’ (although that isn’t bad either). Occasionally, let them decide. I know of one mom whose son was a skater. So what did she do? She took him to skate shops or the skate park and spent time with him in his world. Don’t just drop them off. Take them out. If you daughter loves to shop, take her to the mall for the day and just follow her around. You don’t have to spend tons of money, or even any money at all, the point is BEING WITH THEM. It doesn’t really matter what you do.

From my experience, I wouldn’t hold your breath and wait to hear how much they loved or appreciated that time with you. But, I have NEVER EVER had a kid tell me they actually don’t like time with their parents. They ALL, and I am not exaggerating here, tell me that (even though many of them hate to admit it) they feel special, loved, and valued when their mom or dad makes an investment of time with them.

I will say this a lot: obviously not every kid is the same, and I have not talked to every kid in the world. However, every kid that I have had the opportunity to talk to about this particular topic, have all said the same thing. They are yours for a reason. God knew you would be the right mom and dad for your specific child. You may not know what you were 'created to do', but one thing I know for sure, you are called to be their parent. What you choose to do with that calling, is up to you.

It's Never too Early (or too Late) to Start Praying for Your Kids

If nothing else on this blog ever resonates with you I pray that, at least, this will.

Never underestimate the power of praying for your kids.

It is never too early (or too late) to start praying for your kids.  Prayer is probably the most powerful parenting tool that God has given us, and honestly, probably the most underutilized. Let’s start by taking a moment and letting the following verses sink in (in the context of your children):

Matthew 7:7  ”Ask, and it will be given to you seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you."

Matthew 21:22 And whatever you ask in prayer, you will receive, if you have faith. 

Mark 11:24  Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. 

John 14:13-14 Whatever you ask in my name, this I will do, that the Father may be glorified in the Son. If you ask me anything in my name, I will do it 

Jeremiah 29:11 “I know the plans I have for you”, declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.”

God is a promise keeper.  Unlike us, His words are never careless.  He doesn’t say things He doesn’t mean. So, pray for your kids.  Keep in mind, God is not a genie in a bottle.  It isn't about praying our wills into their lives.  It is about praying the will of the Father over them because of our confidence that His way is the best way.  Remember, the only one who loves your kids more than you, is Him.  It is important to know that His thoughts are not our thoughts and His ways are not our ways (Isaiah 55:8), so your prayers may not be answered in the way or timing that you expect.  But, I want to reiterate here, that God is a promise keeper.  Ask God to give you words and promises for their lives and commit them to prayer. 

If you don’t know where to start, I have included a wonderful list of ‘7 Specific Prayers to Pray for Your Kids’.  Feel free to print this list, and use it as a starting point.  Begin today.  Better yet, begin now.  Don’t wait.  Set a daily reminder to make time to pray for your kids and wait expectantly for the God of the Universe to keep His promises! 

As always I would love to hear your thoughts! Leave a comment! 

(I created a easy to print PDF but it can also be found here: http://www.desiringgod.org/blog/posts/seven-things-to-pray-for-your-children)