From the Heart of Students: Dear Mom and Dad

This is the first of many posts that will be anonymous letters from students (that were submitted to me for the purpose of this blog), past and present.   The intention of these letters is for students to share their hearts either because they haven’t had the courage to or because they haven’t felt heard.  I am not editing them (except when necessary for confidentiality), and will not always agree 100% with their point of view.  It isn’t necessarily an endorsement, it is ONLY meant to give parents insight to the hearts of our kids.

Parents beware, these letters might, at times, be hard to read and come from wounded hearts.  I know we all desire nothing more than to be the greatest parents to our children.  In reading these please be encouraged that our God is the God that restores and redeems broken moments.

If, when you read this, something resonates with you, take a breath and listen to the heart of the message.  They are not meant to condemn or shame anyone who can relate to them.  If it applies to your relationships, just allow it to shed light on an area that could possibly use some work.  Look deeper than the words themselves to what they are really saying.  Is it a cry for quality time with you, a desperate plea for words of encouragement, or something else?  I can promise you, NONE of these are specific to one family.  Of the letters I have received so far, I am confident that there are many students and families that can relate.

I will never ever reveal the sources of these letters. I have made that commitment to the students and there would be no point in doing so.  Again, if you think it sounds like your child, instead of trying to figure out if it was or was not, prayerfully listen to what is behind the words. 

Before you continue, please join me in this simple prayer:

God-I pray the words of these students would be met with open hearts.  I ask that you use them to bring light into dark places, and that they would serve as a starting point for healing in restoration in many families.  As we read these words and hear the heart of kids help us, no matter where we are, learn to be better parents.   I know we love our kids, but help us love our kids in a way that it is felt and undisputable in their hearts and minds.  Help us to love them like you do.  Thank you for the opportunity to get a glimpse of their heart.  Amen.

Well, here goes…

Dear Mom and Dad,

Do you remember that time I (specifics removed for anonymity)or that time I (specifics removed for anonymity)? Do you remember what you said to me after?  Well, I do.  Even though you think it wasn't a big deal and that I brushed it off, it really hurt. You call me things like a “f*** up” or “stupid” or a “cry baby,” each time hurts worse than the last. You think I’m tough because I act tough around you, but that is really my cry for help. When I actually told you how you made me feel, you acted like it was no big deal and told me things like “Don’t be dramatic.” You never validate my feelings about things you say or do or other things that are a big deal to me in my life make them worse. Sometimes all I need is you to listen to me and what I am truly dealing with rather than you focusing on the discipline side of the situation. Yes, discipline is absolutely acceptable, but when it comes down to your child feeling guilty, stressed, remorse, or just needing the parental figure that you’re meant to be- Just go for it. You may think that I do not want to talk to you, but on the inside I am begging for your comfort and attention. I may give you the sassiest replies, tell you to get out of my room, and embarrass you in front of my friends, but it is the only way I can cope with 16 years of mental and emotional abuse. Yeah, I said abuse. You may think abuse is all whips-and-chains, but it is not. It is so much more than that, and I have known this since I was a fully aware toddler. Simple things that you have done since then have molded who I am and what I do to this day. I won’t go into detail, because frankly I think you know exactly what I am talking about as these (subtle) memories rush back into your mind. Just know that when you yell, scream, cuss and fight me for giving you an attitude, (specifics removed for anonymity), or (specifics removed for anonymity), maybe you should go back and check what psychological mishaps have caused me to act this way around you, and not my friends. That probably struck a cord, too. I DO enjoy talking and spending time with people that don't treat me like a piece of trash.  

"Because I Said So" is a Communication Killer

My 3 year old is in the 'why' stage.  Just about every car ride we have goes something like this: 'Why is that truck moving?' 'Why is there a cow?' 'Why is there a horn over there?' 'Why are you putting that blinking light on?' 'Why is it not raining?'...and on and on....

He's curious and while it can be overwhellming, I am trying to be patient and answer his questions to the best of my ability becuase I realize that he is just figuring things out.  

The truth is, this doesn't change as kids get older. As your babies become teens, the subject matter may change (dating, freedoms, parties, school, etc), but the idea does not.   They are still just trying to figure it out.  

Now I realize not every parent says the words 'Because I said so', but there are many versions of the same priciple here and they are all communication killers.  As parents, we want our kids to come to us, to talk with us, and to share their lives with us, but when we shut down their questions, we are working directly against thier willingness to do that.  

I have sat in my office with hundreds of teens who think their parents are being 'unfair' because they can't have or do something.  For the record, I ALWAYS ALWAYS have parents' back (unless it is a type of abuse of course).  I try to come alongside parents and talk with their students in a way that will back them up.  I often ask students 'why do you think they don't want you to do (or have) that?'  More often than not, I am told 'I don't know. They won't tell me.  They just say I can't'.  

Now, let me interject here: Do I think that 'because I said so' is a good enough reason-absolutely yes.  It is.  As the parent you are the bottom line.  However, it may not be sending the right message to your child.  Assuming the message you want to send is that you love them and that your decisions (right or wrong) are always for their best interest.  Especially as your baby becomes a teen they want to know that you believe in them, which includes thinking they are mature enough to be told 'why'.  

So, the next time we need to answer 'no' to a request, let's try responding in a communication building way.  Ask them to come close, and have a seat.   Explain to them that it is out of the incredible, unexplainable, overwhelming love for them that you take this parenting thing pretty serious.  Talk to them about your reasons.  Communicate with them, not because you have to, but because you are trying to build on your relationship with them and walk with them through some of the most challenging years of their lives.  

Important: It isn't meant to turn it into a negotiation.  Like I said, you are the bottom line, and you can also tell them that.  That is what I tried to do in the modesty letter to our students.  I tried to help them understand where I was coming from, but I am also always very clear with them, that it isn't negotiable.  

Don't underestimate your teenager.  Even though they may not (ok, probably won't) agree, they will appreciate the fact that you took the time to explain where you were coming from (even if they don't admit it).  Down the road you are helping them make good decisions on their own, by helping them understand your decisions now.  

Thoughts on Modesty *Insert Groans Here*

This is a letter I wrote in an attempt to better explain to our young ladies why modesty is important.  I thought it might also be useful for you. 

As summer is approaching and the temperature is rising I thought it would be a good idea to address an issue I see come up year after year…modesty.  I think it is best to go ahead and take some time to address this topic up front.  This may help you understand why we have some rules in place about swimsuits, shorts, etc.  The fact is, this struggle is pretty limited to the girls, so ladies—this is for you.  I know for some folks this is a hot topic, so before you read the following, please stop for a moment and pray. 

For a believer modesty is an important topic.  There are several reasons to consider carefully the way you present yourself, and I will do my best to cover them with lots of reference to God’s word.  Much of this letter is taken from the book Sexy Girls by Hayley Dimarco. 

First, if you are a believer, then you are a representative of Christ.  In Romans 12:1 we are told to offer our bodies as “living sacrifices, holy (set apart) and pleasing to God.”  As long as we are on earth, our bodies are God’s. They are set apart for His work and He does care how we use them.  God has also said this about the issue:

“Likewise, I want women to adorn themselves with proper clothing, modestly and discreetly, not with braided hair and gold or pearls or costly garment, but rather by means of good works, as is proper for women making a claim to godliness.”

-1 Tim 2:9-10

Yup, God himself used the word modestly.  Obviously it is important to Him.  That isn’t all He had to say about the issue; as you continue reading, you will see what I mean. 

Secondly, we have to understand a little bit about guys to understand how the way we dress affects them.  Consider this truth from the guys’ mouths.  I have talked about it with Pastor Scott and he can verify what I am about to say:  guys are visual.  Very visual. 

You have heard that it was said, “You shall not commit adultery”; but I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

-Matthew 5:27-28

To us girls this can be a confusing scripture.  In general, we don’t struggle too much with looking at guys in that way.  Not to say none of us do, but it is not as prominent as it is with guys.  Again, I will refer to the insights I have learned from Godly men I trust: the way you dress will help or hinder guys’ ability to abstain from lusting.   Yes, they have a responsibility to take their thoughts captive, but we also have a responsibility not to be a stumbling block for them (more on that later). 

Thirdly, God expects us to remain pure.  You can be totally sold out on abstinence (which I hope you are) and still be leading guys to sin sexually.  Again, guys are visual creatures, and you have a responsibility in protecting them from your body.  You can’t control the minds of men you encounter, but you can help to alleviate the problems they have when looking at a girl dressed provocatively. 

But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people. 

-Ephesians 5:3

You don’t have to be sexually immoral; you just have to hint at it.   When you get dressed, consider how you look to guys.  If your motive is purity, then think about what it is doing to the spiritual lives of your Christian guy friends.  Instead of asking, “how little can I wear and get away with?” we should ask, “how much can I wear and still be fashionable?”

Being in ministry for 14 years now, I have heard every argument in the book for girls dressing however they want to.  One of the most popular arguments I hear from parents and daughters is that it is impossible to find modest clothes because all you can find is what’s in style…and unfortunately modesty is not in style. 

Don’t kid yourself; it can be done.  It is harder and takes longer, but ultimately it is possible.  You can give up and say it’s not, but that would be a lie.  It is possible—you just have to work at it and not compromise when it comes to your fashion. 

The second argument I have heard time and time again is that we (girls) are not responsible for what guys think.  Au contraire!  I think God says it best (as he often does) in 1 Corinthians 8:9:

Be careful, however, that the exercise of your freedom does not become a stumbling block to the weak.

But wait, there’s more.  Romans 14:21 says:

It is better not to eat meat or drink wine or to do anything that will cause your brother to fall. 

Yes, you read it right.  We are responsible to our brother in Christ and his ability to obediently follow Jesus.  If eating meat or drinking can cause guys to fall, how much more can the way we dress, knowing what we do about how visual guys are?  Trust me, this is the #1 struggle just about every guy faces.  Actually you don’t have to trust me; ask one.  Not one of your friends, but a Godly man you trust.  Ask your pastor, your dad (I know that might be weird), or David DuBois-I promise they will support what I am telling you. 

Ultimately, I don’t want you to do it just so guys won’t stumble.  I want you to do it because you put God’s priorities over your own.  I know we all want to look cute.  I want to look cute and I want you to look cute.  It is possible to be cute and conservative at the same time.  What I don’t want is for you to try to be sexy.  Sexiness, like sex, should be saved for your future husbands.  I am not saying it is easy, I am just saying it is worth it and God expects nothing less.    

What I’m hoping right now is that your desire for the perfect image is in sync with God’s plan for your life.  He wants you to be sanctified—that is, set apart from the rest of the world.  Not isolated and shut off from it but different from it. 

This is what I am saying:  start being intentional about what you wear.  Until now you may not have thought about it or you may have, but just not in this way.  Now that you have been shown the truth, you can no longer use that as an excuse. 

Walking this road will be challenging.  It will take more effort to find the right clothes to wear, and your friends might give you a hard time, but in the end you will be honoring and be honored by a God who rewards those who do His will.  

Ultimately, I understand that I have no say in whether or not you agree with what’s been presented in this letter. I hope that this letter will serve the purpose of helping you make good decisions on your own.  If you need to, post this somewhere you will see it daily.  Show it to your friends.  Talk to me about it.  I will be happy to discuss it further with you. 

I love you and want nothing less then God’s best for you!

Love in Christ,

Amy DuBois

PS: You can find a great video on this subject here: 

As always I would love to hear your thoughts! Leave a comment!

Don't Roll Your Eyes

I was gonna call this post, 'Slow Your Roll', but I didn't know if anyone would get it.  Either way, the point of this post is: Don’t minimize what is a big deal in their world. You'll get the 'roll' reference in a bit...

If you have ever uttered the words, “In a few years, it won’t even matter...” (or something along those lines) in a conversation with your child, I am talking to you.   

I don’t know about you, but there are plenty of things from my teenage years (…just a few years ago ;)…) that are pretty embarrassing.  I can remember many many things that were devastating when I was in middle/high school (from friends, to boys, to grades, and on and on), that just make me grin now.  When I was in college, I found an old journal of mine from high school and as I read through it I winced and laughed at all the wildly dramatic things I wrote.  It’s true.  In a few years, those things didn’t matter.  In fact, they even seem a bit ridiculous.  But, at the time, they did matter and the pain I felt was real.  They seemed like everything. 

I have had many o’ students tell me that they can’t talk to their parents about the big stuff going because their parents just think it’s not important.  Again, I totally get where this comes from.  When I started in ministry a million years ago, I often said the same thing.  However, I soon realized just telling them it would get better wasn’t enough.  It isn’t a bad starting place, but it is important to understand that in their world, it matters NOW, and that is what we have to help walk them through.  Sure, in a few years they might be able to laugh with you about it, but for now, that does not provide much comfort. 

So, fight the desire to roll your eyes when your child tells you about the girl or boy they met a day ago that has already broken their heart, or they tell you about the newest school drama.  Instead let them share their heart.  Listen.  Don’t feel like you have to fix it.  Just hear them, let them know that you are there for them, that they are loved, and walk through it with them no matter how long it takes.  In the end, you can remind them to hold on and it will get better, but in the meantime, make sure they know you will be there as much and as often as they need you.

As always I would love to hear your thoughts! Leave a comment! 

Sticks and Stones

Actions Speak Louder Than Words: Is that Enough?

No. It isn’t. Let me elaborate. 

I was trying to think of how many times I have had student’s tears and snot all over my shoulder.  I don’t know the exact number, but it’s a lot.  There have been tears of joy, tears of pain, and tears of hurts.   What I want to talk about today is the tears caused by words. 

Here’s the thing: I have had tons of students leave snot all over my shoulder because they don’t feel loved, valued, or appreciated by their parents.  In many cases, I have known the parents, and I know that what is being felt is so far from reality that it is ridiculous.  However, it is still felt, and that’s what we are talking about today.   If I had to try to identify the problem, it would be rooted in our words. 

Sarcastic Parents: I am particularly talking to you.  I get it.  I was once a fan myself.  However, over the years I have seen the pain that this type of humor can cause, especially in the parent/child relationship. 

I am sure you've heard, and perhaps even taught your kids the old saying, 'sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me.'  This is a completely misleading statement.  It isn't a secret that words hurt, and parents: YOUR WORDS CARRY MORE WEIGHT THAN YOU REALIZE.  If you have a daughter that worries about her weight (and if you have a daughter at all, she probably does) NEVER joke with her about it.  Even is she is ‘thin’ by the worlds standards, a misplaced remark can have a HUGE impact on her.  I have prayed with dozens of girls over the years that they would see themselves the way the Father does.  And, as much as I hate to say it, many of their struggles have come from the fathers they have here.  You might think your daughter is the most beautiful person on the planet (and I hope you do), and so a joke about her looks or weight would never hurt her because it is so crazy.  It does.  I promise. 

Even if as you read this you are thinking the relationship you have with your child is the exception, let me ask you this: is it worth the risk?  They won’t tell you it hurts.  Why? I think it’s often because they know you ‘don’t mean it’ and don’t want you to feel bad.  However,  ‘not meaning it’ isn’t enough.  Don’t say it.  

So much of students’ perceptions about themselves come from you.  If you encourage them, tell them they are beautiful or handsome, and point out the things they do really well, it will be SO MUCH EASIER for them to believe it about themselves.  If you discourage or joke about their looks or weaknesses, it will leave a mark.  Even if they know you are joking, it will leave a mark. 

Let me give you another real life example. I once had a student who was not the biggest or ‘manliest’ guy in our group.  His friends would joke around with him about it and he would play to it.  He laughed and acted like it was no big deal.  Then, one night during our time of ministry, I saw him crying.  I went to him and asked what was going on.  He proceeded to tell me that he was really hurt by all the comments about his strength, but it wasn’t even his friends words that hurt most, it was the words from his dad that cut the deepest.   I can't blame his dad.  They way his son joked about it himself, I too would have thought it was no big deal.  I know his dad loved him, and I also believe his dad had good intentions of ‘playing’ with his son.  But those words, even when said jokingly, sunk in without his father even realizing it.  I saw his dad act lovingly to his son all the time, but his words were causing damage to his son’s self image and confidence that he was totally unaware of. 

So, back to the beginning.  While actions might speak louder than words, actions alone are not enough.  The best-case scenario is to always (to the best of our flawed ability) act AND speak encouragement, love, and life to your children.  

The bottom line is this: The words you use with your kids carry far more weight than you probably realize, so please please choose them wisely. 

My shirts can’t handle much more snot. 

As always I would love to hear your thoughts! Leave a comment!