Sticks and Stones

Actions Speak Louder Than Words: Is that Enough?

No. It isn’t. Let me elaborate. 

I was trying to think of how many times I have had student’s tears and snot all over my shoulder.  I don’t know the exact number, but it’s a lot.  There have been tears of joy, tears of pain, and tears of hurts.   What I want to talk about today is the tears caused by words. 

Here’s the thing: I have had tons of students leave snot all over my shoulder because they don’t feel loved, valued, or appreciated by their parents.  In many cases, I have known the parents, and I know that what is being felt is so far from reality that it is ridiculous.  However, it is still felt, and that’s what we are talking about today.   If I had to try to identify the problem, it would be rooted in our words. 

Sarcastic Parents: I am particularly talking to you.  I get it.  I was once a fan myself.  However, over the years I have seen the pain that this type of humor can cause, especially in the parent/child relationship. 

I am sure you've heard, and perhaps even taught your kids the old saying, 'sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me.'  This is a completely misleading statement.  It isn't a secret that words hurt, and parents: YOUR WORDS CARRY MORE WEIGHT THAN YOU REALIZE.  If you have a daughter that worries about her weight (and if you have a daughter at all, she probably does) NEVER joke with her about it.  Even is she is ‘thin’ by the worlds standards, a misplaced remark can have a HUGE impact on her.  I have prayed with dozens of girls over the years that they would see themselves the way the Father does.  And, as much as I hate to say it, many of their struggles have come from the fathers they have here.  You might think your daughter is the most beautiful person on the planet (and I hope you do), and so a joke about her looks or weight would never hurt her because it is so crazy.  It does.  I promise. 

Even if as you read this you are thinking the relationship you have with your child is the exception, let me ask you this: is it worth the risk?  They won’t tell you it hurts.  Why? I think it’s often because they know you ‘don’t mean it’ and don’t want you to feel bad.  However,  ‘not meaning it’ isn’t enough.  Don’t say it.  

So much of students’ perceptions about themselves come from you.  If you encourage them, tell them they are beautiful or handsome, and point out the things they do really well, it will be SO MUCH EASIER for them to believe it about themselves.  If you discourage or joke about their looks or weaknesses, it will leave a mark.  Even if they know you are joking, it will leave a mark. 

Let me give you another real life example. I once had a student who was not the biggest or ‘manliest’ guy in our group.  His friends would joke around with him about it and he would play to it.  He laughed and acted like it was no big deal.  Then, one night during our time of ministry, I saw him crying.  I went to him and asked what was going on.  He proceeded to tell me that he was really hurt by all the comments about his strength, but it wasn’t even his friends words that hurt most, it was the words from his dad that cut the deepest.   I can't blame his dad.  They way his son joked about it himself, I too would have thought it was no big deal.  I know his dad loved him, and I also believe his dad had good intentions of ‘playing’ with his son.  But those words, even when said jokingly, sunk in without his father even realizing it.  I saw his dad act lovingly to his son all the time, but his words were causing damage to his son’s self image and confidence that he was totally unaware of. 

So, back to the beginning.  While actions might speak louder than words, actions alone are not enough.  The best-case scenario is to always (to the best of our flawed ability) act AND speak encouragement, love, and life to your children.  

The bottom line is this: The words you use with your kids carry far more weight than you probably realize, so please please choose them wisely. 

My shirts can’t handle much more snot. 

As always I would love to hear your thoughts! Leave a comment!