"Because I Said So" is a Communication Killer

My 3 year old is in the 'why' stage.  Just about every car ride we have goes something like this: 'Why is that truck moving?' 'Why is there a cow?' 'Why is there a horn over there?' 'Why are you putting that blinking light on?' 'Why is it not raining?'...and on and on....

He's curious and while it can be overwhellming, I am trying to be patient and answer his questions to the best of my ability becuase I realize that he is just figuring things out.  

The truth is, this doesn't change as kids get older. As your babies become teens, the subject matter may change (dating, freedoms, parties, school, etc), but the idea does not.   They are still just trying to figure it out.  

Now I realize not every parent says the words 'Because I said so', but there are many versions of the same priciple here and they are all communication killers.  As parents, we want our kids to come to us, to talk with us, and to share their lives with us, but when we shut down their questions, we are working directly against thier willingness to do that.  

I have sat in my office with hundreds of teens who think their parents are being 'unfair' because they can't have or do something.  For the record, I ALWAYS ALWAYS have parents' back (unless it is a type of abuse of course).  I try to come alongside parents and talk with their students in a way that will back them up.  I often ask students 'why do you think they don't want you to do (or have) that?'  More often than not, I am told 'I don't know. They won't tell me.  They just say I can't'.  

Now, let me interject here: Do I think that 'because I said so' is a good enough reason-absolutely yes.  It is.  As the parent you are the bottom line.  However, it may not be sending the right message to your child.  Assuming the message you want to send is that you love them and that your decisions (right or wrong) are always for their best interest.  Especially as your baby becomes a teen they want to know that you believe in them, which includes thinking they are mature enough to be told 'why'.  

So, the next time we need to answer 'no' to a request, let's try responding in a communication building way.  Ask them to come close, and have a seat.   Explain to them that it is out of the incredible, unexplainable, overwhelming love for them that you take this parenting thing pretty serious.  Talk to them about your reasons.  Communicate with them, not because you have to, but because you are trying to build on your relationship with them and walk with them through some of the most challenging years of their lives.  

Important: It isn't meant to turn it into a negotiation.  Like I said, you are the bottom line, and you can also tell them that.  That is what I tried to do in the modesty letter to our students.  I tried to help them understand where I was coming from, but I am also always very clear with them, that it isn't negotiable.  

Don't underestimate your teenager.  Even though they may not (ok, probably won't) agree, they will appreciate the fact that you took the time to explain where you were coming from (even if they don't admit it).  Down the road you are helping them make good decisions on their own, by helping them understand your decisions now.